When hope is lost...

Tears try to fall from my eyes, my heart aches, vision blurred.

Mind obsesseds about death.

My emotions are trapped  in my body ans soul. 

I'm tired of fighting against the beast. I am weary and weak. 

I am so lost and confused, my soul battered.

I hang from a tree, overdose on pillss, do whatever it takes tio kill th beast in my mind.

I am feeling depressed

Today I am experiencing hypomania.

My thoughts are everywhere and want to do everything.

I want to talk and chat away but have no one to talk with so I will talk with myself by journaling.

I still feel a we down but high at the same time. It is called mixed maina but I am experiencing less of the depression and more of the hypomania today.

I love the mania side but am afraid of the crash at the end. Maybe there won't be a crash and the hypomania will last awhile.

I have creativity and a flight of ideas racing through my mind. I feel like I have had 15 triple shots of coffee.

It could get ugly if this mixes with anymore depression so pray I keep going up.

I refuse to go back to a depressed state and all the ideations.

The monster stocks my thoughts day and night.

He creeps along in my sleep and controls my dreams.

He beats me and is trying to kill me.

He follows me everywhere torturing my mind.

I look over my shoulder and he is there.

I run from him and he is to fast for me to out run.

He lives in my head and tells me I must leave this earth.

One day he will win and I will forever be gone.

He tells me in my dreams to kill myself and harm the ones I love.

Dreams and ideations of walking in front of a train, hanging myself, shooting myself, etc

Haunt me over and over and repeats like a pre recorded message from Satan.

I must put an end to this thing that is causing so much terror for my family.

It won't be long before I am gone.

A goodbye to those I love.

The monster will cause no more terror for you.

I know I will be missed but it must be done before someone gets hurt.

We shall all be together again with no monsters, fears, or pain.

No more chaos or confusion for anyone.

We will come together in a cloud of safety and peace.

I must close for now but shall return later if it is meant to be.

I love you all and carry you in my heart.

 

Intrusive tormenting thoughts fill my head with lies of harming myself. The impulsiveness is there to put these thoughts to rest for a final time.

 

Imagine having the obsessive thoughts of hanging yourself, shooting yourself, or killing yourself some how played over and over in your head like a recorded message on repeat.

 

The anxiety that builds makes you want to act out the plan to just to get rid of the tormenting thoughts.

I will kill this monster if it takes my life doing it.

The darkness sets upon my soul
I am battered around by the fierce winds of hopelessness
I sink into the darkess, deep and deeper with every breath
the storm within me rages
the battle continious and never ending
I can't breath, the moster steals my breath and takes my soul
The monster must leave forever before destroying anymore lives

I approach the rivers edge and take in the sounds of the slamming water against the rocks
the spin of the chamber makes a clicking sound
the cold steal pressed against my flesh

the streal is cold and rough

with a slight sqeeze of the trigger the monster will die and I will be free

the bullet enters the monster den and exits ith force

I drop to the ground, and the monster is dead and will never hurt anyone again

I pull to the rivers edge. The river is raging out of control just as are my thoughts. This special area had always been a safe haven for me; know it was going to be my final resting spot.

 

Tonight is the night that all the thoughts and the monster in my head come to an end.

 

I scout the area and find an old Grand Fir at a cliff’s edge. I tie a rope to a large branch that over hangs the cliff’s edge.

 

I set the letters I had written in a special place to be found.

 

I take the rope and tie it around my neck. I make it snug and tight. I can feel the roughness of the rope touching against my neck.

 

I shift my weight towards the cliff’s edge. Images and memories race through my mind as quickly as my heart races; suddenly I feel at peace. I am ok with dying and the monster will never hurt me or my family again.

 

I take the final step off the cliff’s edge and the rope tightens around my neck. Things go dark and I take my last breath.

 

The monster is now dead and will never hurt anyone I know.

Another cycle into the abyss...not again.

It has been a longtime since I have posted a blog on here.

I had lost my way in life for a long time but am slowly gaining it back. I have a long ways to go and a lot of ups and downs with having Bipolar disorder but I will make it or break so time will tell.